When I was a kid, I wanted to be a Mommy. Then someone told me I had to get a real job with real ambitions... When I was tiny I told my mom, after careful consideration, that I wanted to be a firefighter (like my dad and a female firefighter Jo). My mother told me I couldn't be a firefighter and caused me to pursue the idea of what another career would be since mothering wasn't good enough. So then I wanted to be a veterinarian and soon I realized animals die and it makes people really sad. So, I thought I would be a zoologist and soon realized that it lacked interpersonal connection. After that my counselor in high school thought I would be a great nurse so he signed me up for a Nursing assistant class. After taking the class twice and working in a hospital setting, I realized I hated being under nurses. To me they were neurotic and failed to treat nursing assistants like real people. Instead they said yes or no like they had the power of a doctor. Doctors were nicer to the NA's because they saw the hard work and humanity they had to maintain to be adequate at their jobs. So, I thought about being a nurse. After taking anatomy and physiology several times and failing to pass it I realized maybe it wasn't destiny. It was confirmed with I realized that I don't butter up to superiors, I have my own mind, and I don't follow irrelevant rules. I have a defined sense of right and wrong that drives my motivation more than the rules.
So, with nurse, nursing assistant, zoologist, veterinarian.... mommy is left.
Here I am living my life long dream questioning if it is good enough. Society tells us that we should have this dream with this six figure income and pursue these higher values or ideals. My dream is to pursue biblical beliefs and teach my child the same. My life long dream as a little girl was to be a mommy and teach her.
While other girls were playing with different careered barbies, I kept mine in a box under my bed. I got my feet dirty being barefoot in the grass mothering my baby dolls, sitting them in little rows on my doll sized bunk beds and teaching them. I had every doll down to the special needs doll, felisika. I had a doll Katie that went to the store with me and rode in the baby seat. I had a doll Anna that looked after the younger dolls while I was away and set the example for the younger dolls. My best friend, Amber, and I had playdates with our dollies where we took them on her dad's boat over the water, we made them mudpies on her dad's grill, and walked them around our cul de sac.
So, here I am as a mommy. I grew Clara in my belly. I pushed her out. I have nourished her until she required more than just me. I have parented her patiently and gently, sometimes impatiently and not so gently. I have prayed over her and stayed awake at night worrying if I am teaching her enough or parenting her good enough. I worry if I am meeting my own expectations and everyone's expectations all at one time.
Then today I had this epiphany about my dream life: A mother is supposed to be is the mother I am. It is the mother that God created me. No one has higher parenting expectations than myself. No one worries more about my child's well being than me. No one is worried if I am doing it right enough than me. There is nothing in the world I hold myself more accountable for than my parenting skills and my daughter. I have accepted the challenge that God has given me and have chosen to shepherd my child's heart to him, granted I am no where near perfect, this is my commission from God and I will give it my all until he tells me it's time for something else.
Moms, You are the best parent for your child. You are their teacher. God gave you him or her and them you. Believe you can have the character God needs you to have for your child. You are adequate.
